


Sleeping Sickness

by adaintywomanofmystery



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, Neil is a disaster, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep Walking, Their past trauma is mentioned only, alternating pov, therapy is good for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22011892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adaintywomanofmystery/pseuds/adaintywomanofmystery
Summary: Neil and Andrew have an apartment, two ridiculous cats, and the happy life they never thought they would get. They are both more than ready to leave their trauma behind, but unfortunately, that's not always how this works.Or Neil has trouble sleeping, and it's going to take more than the power of love to fix things, but love doesn't hurt the situation either.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 216
Collections: All for the Game Fics





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I went to go back to my big bang because I swear I will finish it if it kills me, but I got distracted by this half-a-story I wrote 6 months ago. I was only trying to prove to myself I could actually write, but then I wanted to know what happened next, so I finished this instead. So, uh... yeah, I'll get around to it all eventually. 
> 
> Also, I did some googling when I wrote this originally, but it's supposed to be for fun, so if things are inaccurate about sleepwalking I'll leave it to you to scream in frustration.
> 
> Title from the song "Sleeping Sickness" by City and Colour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m posting this today because it’s Neil’s birthday and I wanted to write something for it, and then I made him suffer. Oops.

The first time it happens, they are completely unprepared for it. 

Andrew wakes up to movement on the other side of the bed. It’s still dark outside but that’s not entirely strange. Neil had a habit of going on runs early in the morning, especially when he gets trapped in memories. It’s March and the demons are back again. 

Usually, Neil will wake Andrew by calling his name before he gets up, a routine they’ve developed over the years, but Andrew’s willing to make exceptions. As the years pass and the trauma gets farther away, and years of good memories take their place it’s easier to relax old strict boundaries. Andrew can talk to him about it in the morning. 

Turning over, Andrew drifts off quickly, content to let Neil run his frustrations away. He’ll confront him later if it looks like it’s getting bad again.

* * *

Andrew wakes again to much lighter surroundings on a peaceful Sunday morning. A casual glance around the room shows nothing out of place, but Andrew has a strange feeling; something is bothering him. He remembers briefly that Neil left for a run, but that was hours ago and Neil would be back by now. 

A glance at the clock reveals it’s much later than he would usually sleep in. He would have expected Neil to come bother him to get by now. Neil knows how crabby Andrew gets when he oversleeps and generally takes it upon himself to wake him up. Andrew gets annoyed at how annoyed he is that Neil hasn’t annoyed him yet, then has to promptly stop that train of thought before the word ‘annoyed’ becomes meaningless.

Neil’s phone sits on his nightstand, and Andrew grabs it on his way out of the room. Maybe if he throws it at Neil hard enough the idiot will stop leaving it behind when he goes for a run. 

The funny feeling only gets stronger when Andrew finds the kitchen empty. The coffee machine is off and has clearly not been used recently. In fact, Andrew finds the whole apartment is empty and undisturbed as he carefully checks around. He walks calmly, because it’s not an emergency, because Neil does crazy things all the time, but mostly because Andrew’s not willing to admit that something is wrong. 

That is until Andrew gets to the front door and finds Neil’s shoes. It would usually be a good sign that none of Neil’s stuff is gone, not even his shoes. But he’s not in the apartment and there aren’t many places to go without shoes. 

_He’s fine,_ Andrew tells himself, then huffs because Neil’s obviously infected him with his idiocy. Trust Neil to make even a lazy Sunday eventful.

Andrew checks his phone, finding nothing, before he makes one more lap of the apartment, actually calling out for Neil and checking in strange spots like closets and under the bed. 

_This is ridiculous,_ Andrew thinks while checking the large cupboards in the kitchen. But he can’t quite shake the image of Neil curled up somewhere, having a panic attack, alone and afraid, and so he checks everywhere he thinks Neil could fit.

 _Damn him for being so short,_ Andrew thinks, pointedly ignoring the irony of that statement.

Once he’s convinced he is definitely not in the apartment he has to stop. Where would Neil go? The court is an obvious choice, if a bit odd that he would go without any of his gear, or his racquet or his _shoes._ Or his keys apparently. Wherever Neil ended up it wasn’t in a car.

After throwing on whatever random clothes he finds (the benefits of wearing all black is that everything matches everything else), he puts on his shoes. He checks his phone again, despite knowing Neil left his phone behind.

Andrew gets in his car, tearing out of the underground lot and channeling his frustration into his driving. He gets to the court in record time, allowing himself to feel a slight glimmer of appreciation that they are on the same team, in the same city, and that he is close enough when Neil needs him. The keys to the court help too, but it’s not like the locks were a huge obstacle anyway.

The court is dark and silent on a Sunday afternoon, and Andrew’s footsteps echo unnervingly. He can feel the fear, the same fear he felt many years ago pacing a different court and looking for the same disaster-prone junkie.

He pushes the feelings away. There is no reason that this would be the same as last time and there’s no use being afraid. He checks the court. Nothing. The bleachers. Nothing. The locker room. Nothing. 

Taking a deep breath, Andrew pulls out his phone. Only, he’s not sure who he would call. Neither Kevin nor Matt, who Neil keeps up with the most, live in the city, and he doubts they would know more than he did. Calling them would only cause a panic, and he doesn’t have the energy to handle them and the situation, so he holds off for now.

He sinks down against Neil’s locker, staring at his phone. Truthfully, he has no idea where Neil has gone. Andrew stares at his phone for a while, contemplating his options. He’s pulled out of his reverie by said phone suddenly coming to life as if he willed the call into existence. 

Andrew pauses long enough to see it’s an unknown number before he’s answering the phone with a terse, “What.” If it’s not important he’s about to kill someone.

“Hey,” a weak voice says on the other end of the line, and it’s suddenly like Andrew can breathe again. “Can you come pick me up?”

* * *

“Where?”

One word and Neil breathes a sigh of relief. It doesn’t even matter if Andrew is mad at him. And he is probably furious. But he’s coming to get him and suddenly a heavy weight is lifted off of his chest since he first woke up in a ditch on the side of the highway, covered in mud.

“Neil? Where are you?”

Neil realizes belatedly that he didn’t respond, and also he has absolutely no idea how to answer. He hears Andrew swear into the phone and the sound of the Maserati’s engine revving in the background.

“Ummm yeah. About that. I’m not exactly sure?” Neil winces, hearing how ridiculous his answer must sound.

“What,” Andrew replies in a deceptively dead tone. “Where are you calling from?”

“Gas Station. One sec,” Neil says, eyeing the middle-aged woman behind the counter. It had taken some convincing to even get access to the phone. Apparently showing up in your pajamas, without shoes and covered in mud wasn’t enough to elicit more than an openly suspicious scowl.

“Hey, where are we?” Neil asks the woman.

“Is this a joke?” She asks, somehow scowling even harder in his direction.

“I’m not asking you to solve world hunger here, I just want to know where we are. Even your tiny, sour brain can handle that.”

Instead of responding the lady just points to the sign that says, “No shirt, no shoes, no service” with a smug look on her face. Neil looks down at where his bare feet are poking out from under his pajama pants. Thank God he put a shirt on last night at least.

“Look. I’m not asking for service. I just want one simple answer and I’ll be out of your hair. I’m not here to cause problems, I swear,” Neil says through gritted teeth. 

Andrew snorts on his end, and Neil cracks a smile. He can’t help it that his presence seems to naturally bring out the worst in other people. Nope, not his fault ever, at all.

The woman does an obvious once over of his messy, muddy appearance and exposed scars before raising an eyebrow. She must realize that the best way to get rid of Neil is to just answer his question because she responds with a terse, “I-90, Exit 57.”

Neil repeats the answer into the phone and is met with silence. He’s pretty far from where they live, and it will take Andrew some time before he gets there.

“You better have a good fucking explanation for this,” Andrew warns before the call disconnects. Neil hands the receiver back to the attendant before making a hasty exit. He sits on the curb around the side of the building and settles in to wait.

* * *

Neil is sitting with his head in his hands on the curb outside the gas station when Andrew pulls up in the Maserati. He doesn’t move until he hears the thump of the door and a shadow falls across him. Neil takes a deep breath and looks up into Andrew’s eyes. He sees the anger he expected, but there’s also an undercurrent of concern.

The first thing out of Neil’s mouth before he can really think about it is, “I didn’t run, I promise. Or, well, not on purpose anyway,” he finishes lamely.

“Do you want to explain how you got here then?” Andrew asks, raising one eyebrow skeptically. 

Neil opens his mouth to speak, but Andrew cuts him off. “Not here. Let’s go home.”

Neil feels a tiny thrill in his chest, even after all of these years at hearing those words. Home. He has a home. This whole ordeal has shaken him, and the thought of his home, of being there with Andrew is suddenly so overwhelming all he can do is nod.

Andrew raises his hand and drops Neil’s shoes on him, before spinning around and heading back toward the haphazardly parked car. Neil scrambles to his feet and follows him to the car, holding onto the shoes. The scrapes and cuts on the bottom of his feet will only hurt more in shoes and he wants to ignore it as long as possible.

“Speak,” Andrew commands as he gets the car started and out of the lot.

“Usually all you want is for me to shut up,” Neil counters, falling back into their easy banter. Andrew merely responds with a glare and Neil wonders if he ever gets tired of glaring.

“Alright,” Neil says, holding up his hands in surrender. “There’s actually not that much to share. I don’t know how it happened, but one minute I was in bed, dreaming, and the next I was waking up in a ditch a half-hour walk away from the nearest exit.”

Neil can feel Andrew’s eyes like twin lasers on the side of his face, but Neil just stares out the window so he doesn’t have to see whatever look is in his eyes. Neil is waiting, braced for something, anything, but Andrew seems determined to wait him out.

“As… as far as I know, I was alone. There’s no one left out there that wants to go after me, so I guess I just… got up and walked away? I don’t know. This has never happened before.” Neil runs a hand through his hair in frustration, making the strands sit funny on his head. It’s a bad habit that Andrew keeps telling him is going to make him go bald early

Andrew stays silent, and Neil can’t take the silence anymore so he sneaks a look. Andrew is staring straight out the windshield, deceptively calm, except for his overly tight grip on the steering wheel. 

“Do you remember getting up in the middle of the night?”Andrew finally asks.

Neil frowns. “What? No. I was in bed, then I was on the side of the road.”

Andrew grunts in response. “What were you dreaming about?”

Neil stays silent. 

“Neil,” Andrew says warningly.

“I was… dreaming about going for a run through an endless subdivision. I must be more worried about the gentrification of our neighbourhood than I thought,” Neil tries to joke weakly.

Andrew just huffs before staring him down. Neil returns the stare but ultimately backs down. He tells himself it’s so that Andrew will focus back on the road, but he knows that’s not it. He finds himself actually maybe wanting to talk about it more.

Gathering his courage he continues, “Fine. That’s not it. I was on the run like I was before. I was being chased by my father and his people. No matter how many times I dodged, or how far I ran they were there. I never saw them, but I always knew they were closing in on me. I felt like I was running through molasses the whole time and the faster I tried to run the slower I was.”

Neil shudders, turning away and curling in on himself in the passenger seat. He wants to believe that the dream was nothing, that it didn’t mean anything, but he can’t shake that feeling of fear, even hours later.

“Hey,” Andrew says. “Look at me. They are dead and you survived. You’re safe.”

It’s been years, but somehow Neil still finds the same relief on Andrew’s blunt reassurances. The tension in the car has relaxed a little. Whatever is happening, Neil knows they’ll face it the same way they have everything else.

Together.


	2. Chapter 2

The second time it happens, it’s a couple of weeks later. They are only slightly more prepared this time. 

Andrew startles awake at the dip of the bed and this time he forces himself to wake up completely. Neil is already off the bed and at the door to their room, moving silently through the dark room. 

The easy answer would be that Neil had to go to the bathroom urgently, but Andrew’s instincts tell him somethings not right, and this time he’s determined to pay attention. 

Andrew follows Neil into the hallway, quickening his pace when he realizes Neil isn’t slowing down. Neil gets to the front door quickly, twisting the lock and pushing the door open in one quick motion before he starts sprinting. 

Andrew is by no means out of shape. As a professional athlete he works out daily, but his position as goalkeeper means he spends less time on cardio. Combined with dulled reflexes from having just woken up, Andrew is barely able to catch the door before it swings shut behind Neil. 

It never seemed to Andrew that Neil was holding back, either during their runs or on the court, but the speed at which Neil leaves the apartment is almost breathtaking. 

Flying down the stairs, Neil makes it all the way to the lobby of their apartment building before Andrew can catch up. The lock on the door to the outside is the only thing that slows Neil down long enough for Andrew to get to him in time. 

Just as Neil fights the lock open, Andrew tackles him to the ground, colliding painfully with the door. They both go down in a pile of thrashing limbs. Neil fights like his life is on the line, but years of sparring with Renee means Andrew is able to subdue Neil relatively quickly. 

Andrew gets him into a headlock, then forces Neil into a parody of an embrace. Andrew shifts so that he is sitting upright on the cold tile floor, leaning against the doors with Neil in his lap and his back to Andrew’s chest. Andrew has his arms circled around the other, trapping Neil’s arms against his sides, and legs tangled together to stop Neil from kicking out. 

Now that Andrew has him pinned down, it’s obvious that Neil is still very much asleep, though he fights with a wild intensity. Andrew calls out to Neil, hoping to wake him. 

The preliminary research Andrew did about sleepwalking after the last incident indicated that the best way to handle this was to gently wake Neil and try his best to avoid either of them getting injured from Neil’s desperate thrashing. 

Andrew rocks them back and forth, murmuring to Neil in a steady tone as the fight slowly leaches out of his tense body. Andrew calls his name one more time and Neil snaps awake, looking around himself wildly as he tries to sort out what is going on. 

Relaxing his grip slightly, Andrew continues to rock them slowly. 

“Abram. You’re safe. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Andrew says into Neil’s hair. He runs reassuring hands up and down Neil’s arms as Neil shifts around and buries his face in Andrew’s neck, letting his warmth slowly stop the shivers. 

* * *

Neil’s in the basement of his childhood home, facing down his father once again. He runs for the door, feeling that malevolent presence slowly gaining on him. Throwing it open, Neil’s up the stairs and moving quickly down the hallway, the front door at the end his last chance for escape. 

Neil knows that if he can just reach it, he’ll be free, but the faster he tries to run, the slower he moves. The hallway seems to stretch out in front of him, the door getting farther and farther away. 

Suddenly Neil feels something constrict around him and he thrashes around wildly, trying to escape. To be caught is to die, and Neil’s fight or flight response is in overdrive. 

The dream shatters around him, fading away as he tries to catch hold of it, desperately clinging to that other reality in his confusion. 

The constricting feeling doesn’t go away even as the dream fades and Neil struggles harder before reality snaps into place around him. He stops fighting when he realizes where he is, and more importantly who he is with. 

He takes a gasping breath that sounds suspiciously like a sob and turns to bury his face in Andrew’s neck. He lets Andrew hold him, the arms around him more relaxed now that he’s not trying to escape, as the adrenaline of the dream fades away. The slow rocking calms his pounding heart. 

When he thinks he’s gained enough composure, Neil pulls away to look Andrew in the eyes. The apology he was about to voice dies on his lips at the look Andrew gives him. Instead, he croaks out, 

"At least I didn’t wake up in a ditch this time.” 

Andrew shakes his head, an exaggerated expression of disgust on his face at the reminder. Andrew stands and pulls Neil to his feet, and they walk together to the elevator. Neil looks at Andrew with a hopeful expression, and Andrew sighs, rolling his eyes, but grabs Neil’s hand and threads their fingers together. 

Neil smiles, leaning his weight against Andrew’s solid frame. Now that the excitement is over, Neil is feeling terribly tired. He lets Andrew guide him down the hall and back to their apartment. He’s barely conscious by the time Andrew pushes him into their bed, and he lets sleep take over again. 

* * *

The next morning Andrew is standing beside the coffee maker as it gurgles its way through a pot of coffee when Neil stumbles into the kitchen. His hair is a mess and the way he’s running his fingers through it is not helping anything. Andrew recognizes this gesture as a sign of stress, despite the smile that Neil sends his way. 

He hates seeing Neil feel this way, to not be able to fight this battle for him. He much prefers problems he can solve with his knives, which remain irritatingly useless against dreams. The best he can do is act as support, which in this case means saying what Neil doesn’t want to hear. 

Neil has wandered over to the cupboard to get himself a mug, while Andrew has been lost in thought over how to broach the subject in a way Neil won’t immediately shut down. Standing on his tiptoes, Neil stretches his arms as far as he can, trying to reach the mug he likes that has the old PSU logo on it, faded from use. 

Andrew can’t stand the bright orange that has followed him, including that stupid mug. Neither Neil or Andrew has acknowledged that Andrew is the one that puts it on that shelf so far out of Neil’s reach in a futile attempt to dissuade him from using it. If asked, Andrew would definitely refuse to acknowledge that he has to climb on to the counter to put it that high. That’s between him and the cats. 

It’s a strange battle of wills that Neil seems determined to win, though Andrew has no idea what that would look like. Andrew usually loves that undeniable stubbornness, but he has a feeling it will be more hindrance than help in this case. 

“Neil,” Andrew finally says. Neil pauses, fingertips just brushing the handle of his mug. He looks strangely innocent like that, expression curious and open. 

“Yeah?” He says when Andrew doesn’t continue. 

“You need to talk to someone about this.” Andrew tries to put a commanding tone into his voice, hoping to avoid an argument. Neil’s expression immediately shutters, his face going oddly blank. _Well fuck._

“I’m fine,” Neil says automatically. Even after all of these years, the response is immediate. Andrew shakes his head in frustration, moving to stand more directly in Neil’s line of sight. 

“You’re obviously not. You need to go to therapy,” Andrew says, then pauses. “Actually, you’ve needed therapy for a long time,” he amends. 

“Andrew, this is ridiculous. It’s a temporary problem. I don’t need _therapy_ for something like this.” He says therapy like it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. 

“You can at least try it. It might at least fix that shitty attitude of yours.” Andrew is starting to grow frustrated, but he won’t let it show this early. Neil can’t think he’s backing down even a little bit.

“So this is the peer pressure my mother warned me about,” Neil quips back. He’s trying to distract Andrew with his quick wit, but Andrew’s not willing to let it go this time. 

“Your mother didn’t do shit. Now stop being difficult and go to therapy.” 

“It’s not that simple,” Neil tries to protest. 

“It’s exactly that simple. Look, I even googled it and everything.” Andrew pulls out his phone and shows him the Web MD entry for sleepwalking that he was looking at before Neil woke up. The treatment section was a little sparse, but the likely cause was relatively easy to pinpoint. 

Neil reaches out to grab Andrew’s phone, but Andrew plants a firm hand on his chest, pushing Neil out of reach of his phone as he begins to read. 

“Sleepwalking is a disorder that causes you to get up and walk while you’re asleep. Your doctor might call it somnambulism…" 

Andrew continues to read through the article as Neil makes grabby hands at the phone. When Andrew gets to the part about causes he puts extra emphasis on the section about PTSD and other psychiatric disorders that may be possible triggers. 

Neil gives up trying to grab the phone and moves to cover Andrew’s mouth instead, but by this point he’s gotten through most of it. In the struggle they both somehow end up on the floor. Neil has the upper hand for a moment, but it doesn't last. 

Andrew is able to relatively easily flip their positions, so he’s straddling Neil, pinning him to the ground by his hips. His phone lays forgotten on the ground to the side. Andrew takes a moment to survey Neil, who is breathing heavily from the sudden exertion, his face flushed. Andrew feels the strange temptation to look away, to run from the emotions he feels suddenly at the sight before him. 

Andrew doesn’t know what face he’s making, but Neil must see something in his expression because he starts smirking. Then Neil surges forward and Andrew thinks he’s going to use his momentary lapse to escape, but instead, he presses his lips against Andrew’s neck. 

The surprise and the sensation together send a shiver through Andrew. He gets almost irrationally angry because despite knowing what Neil is trying to do, it's still working. 

Andrew gives Neil a severely unimpressed look, trying to muster his control, but Neil shifts under him and he loses his internal battle with himself. They can always continue the conversation later, and they suddenly have much more pressing matters to attend to right now. 

“Don’t think I’m going to forget about this,” Andrew growls before shifting closer to Neil so he can bring their lips together in a bruising kiss. Neil doesn’t respond, content to stay right where they are and let Andrew take him apart. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I submitted my reverse big bang, so I was able to finally go back and finish this! For anyone who has stuck with this, thank you! And thank you to everyone who has commented. This fandom is so nice and I really appreciate that.

It happens again. And again. And again. Neil feels like glass, ready to shatter at any moment. He’s never let himself breakdown before. In fact, he doesn’t think he even knows what that would look like, and he’s not eager to find out. It feels ridiculous, after everything he’s been through, that this would be the final straw. Then again, he’s supposed to be safe, to be putting all of that behind him and moving on with his life.

He thinks that maybe it’s the stress from the playoffs triggering his fight or flight response, but even when the Exy season ends, the dreams and the running continues. He stops sleeping soundly, constantly waking at random hours of the night, afraid that he’s wandered off again.

Even though Andrew doesn’t say anything, Neil can tell the tension is starting to get to him too. It hurts Neil to have things that feel so far outside of his control cause trouble for Andrew. 

Approaching this problem like he usually does, Neil tries to bury his feelings where they can’t hurt him, to stop this poison from infecting the life they have built. The problem won’t just go away, though, and Neil finds himself growing more irritable, his emotions a volatile mess and his already poor temper acting on a hairpin-trigger.

Neil is determined to fix this by himself. Andrew keeps making unsubtle remarks, trying to convince Neil to see someone about it, but his insistence just ends up making Neil more stubborn. He doesn’t need someone else to tell him he’s fucked up, he’s figured that out for himself already. Plus the thought of having someone digging around in his head, asking for all of his secrets, sends an awful shiver down his back. 

The more sleep-deprived he gets, the less appealing the idea of therapy becomes. He thought maybe he would break down and give in—he knows Andrew’s been thinking the same thing—but the exhaustion just makes the concept of having to acknowledge and deal with his problems that much worse.

* * *

Neil is lying down and staring at the ceiling one night, mind restless with worry. He’s trying to convince himself that if he just falls asleep the problem will be solved and he can prove to everyone that he’s fine. Surprisingly, denial is proving to be ineffective, a fact which he refuses to acknowledge as a result of the aforementioned denial. 

Sleep continues to elude Neil. Eventually, he gives up on trying, at least for the moment. He moves to get out of bed, hoping a change in his environment will help dispel some of these bad feelings. 

Except when Neil sits up, a hand wraps around his arm with an iron grip. The sudden touch startles Neil, who tries to pull away and ends up twisting off the bed. Neil sighs when he sees Andrew’s head appears over the side of the bed to stare him down, his efforts at sneaking out less than effective.

“What are you doing?” Andrew basically growls at Neil. His death glare would be more intimidating if it wasn’t for the pillow creases on his cheek and the ridiculous pout of his lips, grumpy from being pulled from sleep so suddenly.

Neil’s amusement fades quickly, replaced by the uneasy feeling of guilt settling into his stomach. It’s obvious he’s affecting Andrew’s sleep if he’s able to react that quickly to any movement from Neil. Andrew has a hard enough time sleeping, a childhood of bad experiences making his bed an unsafe place, and now Neil’s just making it worse.

Neil untangles himself from the sheets he pulled with him and stands by the edge of the bed, wringing his hands in the fabric. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Neil says, sidestepping the question. It is clear Andrew notices, judging from the way his eyebrows lower and he sits up straighter on the bed. Neil braces himself for something, though he’s not sure what. He deserves to get yelled at considering his recent behaviour. His mother would have done worse by now.

“Come here,” is all Andrew says, and Neil feels his shoulders sag in relief. All this time later and he still braces himself, waiting for the sharp sting of his mother’s hands. Andrew isn’t like her though and instead shifts over, making room for Neil to get back into bed. Neil goes easily, his flightiness forgotten, and lets Andrew pull him flush against him.

“Go to sleep,” Andrew says, his monotone somehow reassuring. He starts running one of his hands through the short hairs on the back of Neil’s head, a reminder that he’s here, that Neil is safe with him. Neil can’t do more than nod, closing his eyes and focusing on the warmth that he knows means protection.

* * *

Neil blinks tiredly at the mess on the floor. The cats scattered the moment they heard a loud noise, scrambling paws on hardwood adding to the chaos. It’s for the best since there are now pottery shards everywhere and the last thing he needs is an emergency trip to the vet to add to his other worries. 

He had meant to put the bowl on the table, but it would appear he missed. He certainly isn’t reacting quickly enough to have stopped it from shattering on the floor even if he had noticed right away.

Neil blinks again, trying to clear the ringing sound from his eyes—ears. It’s supposed to be ears. His head feels like it weighs a million pounds, but every time he closes his eyes his headache only seems to get worse. Good, it will be harder to fall asleep that way.

It’s only a little sleep deprivation. He’s pretty sure he’s lived through worse, so really he shouldn’t be acting this stupid. It’s not unlike blood loss, where his vision fades out and he has trouble staying upright though in this case, the world just seems… farther away. It’s all blurry and unreal, the details less important somehow. 

He just needs to start doing something more active, to make sure he doesn’t fall asleep. If he falls asleep he loses, and he doesn’t want to think about what might happen. He hasn’t done more than doze, no longer than 20 minutes in one go, over the last couple days.

Considering the last couple weeks of poor sleep, it’s not surprising the sleep deprivation it’s hitting him harder than usual. It doesn’t help that Andrew’s out of town, needed by Aaron for something. Andrew probably told him, but he can’t make himself remember right now. The details keep slipping away from his unresponsive mind and he just can’t be bothered to chase them down right now.

Andrew hadn’t wanted to leave Neil alone, but Neil had insisted he would be fine. It helped that he hadn’t had another sleepwalking episode in a while. Neil just happened to leave out the part where he’s been too anxious to sleep deeply enough to dream. He’s no stranger to insomnia, though, so it’s easy to keep it quiet.

Neil just has to make it a couple of days until Andrew gets back, and then everything will be okay. He cleans up the mess in the kitchen before heading out for a run. If he happens to forget his keys, wallet and phone in his sleep-deprived haze, well, no one’s around to notice.

* * *

Neil never thought he would be grateful that Exy had an offseason, but even he recognizes it would be hard to play in this condition. He’s pretty sure he can taste sound at this point, but he’s too stubborn to give in. He just has to wait for Andrew to get back, then he can figure this out.

He starts setting timers on his phone before curling up wherever he happens to be to try and get some sleep without running the risk of dreaming. Andrew calls him frequently during his trip, and Neil manages to answer his questions coherently enough to avoid suspicion, though if asked to recall what they talked about he knows he wouldn’t be able to. 

He falls asleep doing the laundry, putting away dishes, even leaning against the vacuum cleaner at one point. He didn’t even wake up until he hit the floor that last time. Without Andrew to distract him he’s going a little crazy though, on the bright side, their house has never looked so clean. 

His resolve starts to waver. He just wants Andrew home, and he wants this problem gone. He’s ready to bargain with God if that means he won’t have to keep suffering through these nightmares. The dreams have nothing on the feeling of losing control. Not knowing where he’s going to wake up. Not knowing if he’s going to wander too far one night or get in trouble.

He misses Andrew, misses his solid support and lack of judgment which has become central to his life. Neil just wants him to come home.

* * *

Andrew catches an early morning flight. He hadn’t planned on being back until the following day, but Aaron didn’t need him there anymore, and Andrew was starting to grow tired of being away from home for so long.

Despite having to wake up so early, Andrew’s unsurprised to find he’s too nervous to sleep on the plane. He’s tapping his fingers, lost in imagining how it would feel to suddenly start free-falling when the plane hits the tarmac with a jolt.

It feels like it takes Andrew forever to get out of the airport. The plane unloads painfully slowly, old people struggling with heavy luggage and annoyed business class passengers trying to push ahead holding up the process. The baggage carousel seems endless, and Andrew checks his phone for messages three times before his luggage comes into view. He’s sure someone would have thought to text him if there was an emergency, but he can’t completely smother the flicker of worry in his gut.

He decided against telling Neil he was coming back early. It’s partly for the surprise, partly him hoping the idiot is actually asleep. Andrew can tell, even over the phone, that Neil hasn’t been doing great since he left, but Neil’s still an impressive liar and the extent of the problem is hard to figure out long distance. Trying to broach the topic wouldn't be worth the argument when he wasn’t there to judge the situation face-to-face.

Besides, the airport he arrived at is a good hour drive from their house and forcing Neil out of bed at four in the morning seemed almost criminal.

Andrew is able to find a shuttle relatively easily and settles in for the long drive. It’s close to 6:30 when he arrives at their apartment building. Neil’s usually out on a run at this time, which is mildly disappointing, but it gives him a chance to settle in and shower before they see each other again.

The familiar click of the lock settles something inside Andrew as he stumbles over the threshold. He drops his bag by the door to put away properly later and heads to the kitchen, following the smell of the coffee he desperately needs.

Andrew turns the corner into the kitchen and stops dead in his tracks, heart in his throat. Neil is laying face down on the floor, his phone lays abandoned just out of reach of his right hand. Andrew has horrible images of Neil dying on the floor, reaching desperately for his phone to call someone. 

He’s not sure how long he stands there in shock, mind running through worst-case scenarios before he notices the rise and fall of Neil’s chest. Breathing is a good sign he’s not dead, but that still leaves a lot of bad options.

Andrew nearly jumps a foot in the air when Neil’s phone alarm goes off, and he stays frozen in the doorway. Neil comes to life with a gasp, sitting up suddenly and looking around disoriented. He sees Andrew in the doorway and does a double-take. There's a moment where Andrew doesn't think Neil is going to recognize him, but then he scrambles to his feet, swaying as he walks towards Andrew.

"You're here," he says happily, and then in a more confused tone, “Is it Wednesday already?”

"What the actual fuck were you doing?" Andrew is so close to grabbing Neil by the shoulders and shaking him. Maybe then he'll actually wake up and realize how bad things have gotten. Or maybe he'll just end up on the floor again. It’s painfully obvious how badly sleep-deprived Neil is, his movements slow and words slightly slurred. 

When it becomes clear Neil isn’t going to answer the question, Andrew pushes Neil to the sofa in their living room. He takes stock of the house as they go, noting the overflowing cat dish and the eerily clean rooms. 

"Sit," he commands and Neil basically collapses on the couch. Andrew sits on the opposite side, back to the arm of the couch, facing Neil with an analyzing look. Neil must know he's in trouble because he won't make eye contact with Andrew, though he keeps stealing little side glances. 

"What day is it?" Andrew asks icily. 

"I'm guessing it's not Wednesday then?" Neil asks with a wince. 

"You would be correct. It is, in fact, Tuesday morning. Which leads me to my next question. How much sleep have you gotten?”

"I'm fine," Neil mumbles. Andrew's glare intensifies and he watches with satisfaction as Neil shrinks into the couch. They've had long discussions about what constitutes "fine" and when Neil is actually allowed to use that word.

"You didn't answer my question, but I'll bet the answer is you haven't." Andrew’s starting to think that maybe he shouldn't have left. Maybe he could have prevented this somehow, should have known that it was worse than Neil let on.

Those thoughts are quickly followed by the realization that, no, he shouldn't have had to figure it out on his own. Neil shouldn't have lied to him. Besides, Neil is his own person, capable of making his own choices. They are never going to work long-term unless they can trust each other; unless they are open with each other.

It works both ways, however. He has to be honest with Neil too, and he hasn’t been.

"I can't keep doing this," Andrew finds himself saying. "I can't be your answer. I wasn't back then and I won't be now. You need to get help, and I can't do that for you."

He watches, worried and frustrated as he sees Neil hackles rise, but then he just deflates, looking so small curled up on the sofa. Andrew would never tell anyone, would swear up and down that he doesn't care, but at that moment his heart feels broken watching Neil struggle so much.

"I don't know where to start," Neil eventually says, his voice quiet and slightly muffled by his knees, which he has pulled up to his chest to hide behind.

“Well, that is something I can help with. If you'll let me. Are you going to let me?” Andrew says with a challenge in his voice.

There's a long pause then a small, "...yes." Andrew doesn't think he's ever loved the word yes more. He's putting his trust into this yes, but he's confident he won't be let down.

Andrew stands then, feeling the exhaustion of the plane ride and the shuttle home.

"I need a shower and we both need sleep," Andrew says, his tone commanding. Neil nods and takes his hand when offered, stumbling to his feet, head already drooping. Andrew pauses a moment before throwing Neil over his shoulder and walking towards the bedroom.

Neil gives an indignant squawk and tries to wiggle free for a moment before he goes limp and accepts his fate. Andrew dumps him unceremoniously on the bed, before heading off to the bathroom to shower.

Once he's dressed, Andrew makes his way carefully back to their bed. Neil has burrowed under the covers and Andrew doesn't want to wake him if he’s managed to actually fall asleep. When he settles into bed he can see there was no point. Neil turns to face him, a look of apprehension on his face even as his eyelids droop. 

"Are you going to stay?" Neil asks in a small voice. Andrew knows he isn't just talking about right now. Andrew sighs, holding up his arm and letting Neil scoot in close to him.

"Don't ask stupid questions," is all he says in response. Neil’s small smile means Andrew know he understands.

They're going to make this work like they always make it work. And maybe they’ll never fully leave their trauma behind, and they'll have to find ways to live with that. 

But then again, maybe not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the biggest thing I learned from writing this fic is that I need to go to sleep. Remember, it's very important to sleep! Don't be Neil.
> 
> Alternatively, this entire story can be summed up as the following:
> 
> Andrew: Truth or dare?  
> Neil: Truth  
> Andrew: How much sleep have you gotten recently?  
> Neil: Dare  
> Andrew: Go to sleep  
> Neil: I hate this game
> 
> I saw this on tumblr somewhere and it was so funny...

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos give me life, so even when I don't respond know I appreciate all of you very much. If you wanna talk, I'm the loser over at reneeisbuffjesus on Tumblr. Thanks for reading!


End file.
